end?

University is nearing end for me. In fact, in 25 mins i'll be walking into my last lecture of my bachelor degree. It is quite sad, considering there isn't much guaranteed for my post grad plans yet, so this could actually be the last of my academic life! (though i hope not)

Many people graduate from university with a bunch of friends, a hell lot of fun memories and knowledge gained too of course. I feel like all i have to take away is the knowledge. I haven't made one single friend i have kept, nor do i remember much of uni life these past three years. I spent the past two years at least trying all my hardest to not make any impressions. i wanted to do my classes and get out of here. That's worked me fine, i'm able to get good grades that way, and never have any distractions. I guess i'm fine with the way i decided to go through uni, but at the end.. well i don't have much to show for the past three years, except a piece of paper.

other than the social side, i really will miss studying. researching, reading, writing up papers, it's all really rubbed off on me. so much so, i'm considering being an academic some time in the future. getting paid to do research is my dream (particularly if its good pay!). however for now, i must consider what to do next year. applying for post grad is all so confronting.. i've been putting off the application because i'm way scared that i won't be accepted. What will i do then?

in fact, what do i do with life? these past three years, i've always been waiting for the epiphany that i will know what i want to do. while i have some sort of idea, i feel like i haven't gotten what i came here for yet. if i enter the real working world next year, well i can i'm definitely not feeling ready for that.

I'm only 21.. I'm not ready to embark of real life yet.. i want to continue hiding in this mushroom called university..

stability

Stability is an interesting thing. Some people enjoy having a routine, a boring pattern almost, which they follow everyday, in order to maintain some security and standard in their lives. Where as others (Travellers which work in hospitality, especially!) spend their lives avoiding anything stable, constantly moving around, gaining new experiences, finding new jobs. While i don't think I'm radically one or the other, i've managed to gain some extra stability in my life, and, for now at least, it feels very amazing.

i have never felt so in control, so secure, so comfortable in so long. knowing what you want to do, and working towards it, really shouldn't be taken for granted! What I'm trying to say, i think, is that my days of being a wild, free, reckless spirit are over. Maybe I'm ageing, (turning 21 after all! hah!) or maybe i've just lost my youth. Either way, this transition into a more mature (maybe more boring) me is very refreshing! maybe one day i'll get over it and want more excitement back in my life. perhaps that day i can be radical and make an irrational decision to travel the world! for now, i'll just concentrate on the future, maybe sit at home and knit a few scarves, spend time with those close by, drink tea with the boobies... AND VISIT HUNTER VALLEY NEXT MONTH, JUST COS I CAN!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!

life's great!

fresh

It feels so good, to start all over. The feeling of dropping your current problems and starting everything fresh. Moving to another country sounds like what I'm doing right, but no, not yet (for another 2 years i hope!) This time, just feels like a spiritual fresh start. Meeting someone new helps, but just the feeling of moving forward just really feels enlightening. Hopefully the next chapter of my life will consist of less 'learning opportunities' and more fun memories.

To the future!!
xo.

Ha!

So last night on the nightride home from work, I bumped into my friend/my first bf TC! I havent seen him in years! And as we chatted we realized we dated 8 years ago! Gosh that seems like ages! The more amusing part of our encounter was something else though, well maybe not amusing, more like enlightening.

He asked me how is my studies and career going, he remembers that I wanted to be a cop, then a psychologist. He recalls me being very much for the people, and wanted to have a career that allowed me to do so. I told him, yes I am still studying psychology, but Im more interested in research now, not so much clinical. He was absolutely shocked. 'what happened to you?' I then went on to tell him that I have no friends in uni, I hide in the library on my breaks, and hang out with my (2) high school friends. It was kind of funny to see his reaction, but also kind of sad. Maybe 8 years ago me had so much more going on than present me.

I don't know what I want to do yet, which is scary, with this year potentially being my last year, but I've stressed enough on that problem to just not want to think about it anymore.

Am I actually a disappointment though? Did I not become who I had wanted.. Apparently I was really sociable back then, what happened? Haha no i love my two boobies janseh, i dont need anyone else. Maybe year 8 tiff was just too ambitious. Had to much hope for life. I like to think im a realist. Im sceptical, but realistic. This is probably better, i think.

Resolutions?

The new year is approaching so I guess it's time to pick myself back up! No more stupid decisions in the new year! We'll kick it off with a trip! The trip I've promised peony for what.. 8 years now? Haha we're finally going to hong kong together! Add in Taiwan and Korea and we've got 2 little happy fat girls! It's going to be so much fun, can't wait! Then when I get back, I've got cousins from overseas visiting! That's going to be super awesome too! Haven't seen one of them in.. 7 years I think? I just love it when my fam bam get together, everyone gets so silly!

Then we've got uni and work starting... Uni has to be an improvement.. If I want to get my honours, I really have to step it up and prove myself.. Which means less work for me! Which would be difficult. I need money. Speaking of which, also considering getting a new job.. The crappy organization of the hotel is getting to me, and if it becomes an unenjoyable place to work, I'll probably find somewhere else.. I think I've got the experience for most other places now..

So that looks like it will keep me busy! Hopefully take my mind off things too. Next year for me, I want to be career focussed. Hopefully find out what I want to do with my life, and work towards getting there. My degree is finishing soon, and I still feel hopeless. Next year will change. More direction. I'll get there :)

Tiffany

Tiffany is sad.
Tiffany is sad because of many reasons. She is quite poor, and haven't had the spare money to splurge on herself like she always used to. No new clothes can be quite damaging to Tiffany. Tiffany is also sad because she is having a hard time at work. Many of her friends are quoting and she is left on lonely shifts with managers which make her work like even more miserable. Tiffany is sad because she feels kind of lonely, and kind of trapped.

Tiffany is worried.
Tiffany is worried of her uni results. If her marks aren't superb, she will get kicked out her course, leaving her in an even more worry-worthy position. Tiffany is also worried that she is running low on money. She needs money for her hong kong trip and isn't saving as well as she was before. Because of this reason, she cannot quit work and she needs the money, making her even more sad (refer to previous paragraph). Tiffany is actually most worried because she feels quite vulnerable. She misses she feeling of being in a relationship and is worried that she will rush herself into one purely because she needs to have someone. Tiffany never new being single meant being lonely. She thought flirting will be fun. Turns out, it's overrated, and being in a relationship actually feels better. Tiffany is worried these thought will lead to impulsive behavior.

Tiffany is happy.
She can walk, can talk, has food on her table, and is quite healthy too! She has great boobies which spend lots of time with her andtake her out to eat noodles in times of need. Tiffany is happy to have a caring And supportive family who loves her unconditionally. Tiffany is grateful for having the opportunity to experience and learn and grow and mature. Tiffany is cool, and will be alright.

Remarks.

What are you doing Tiffany. What are u doing. Sometimes I am torn within myself. Do I really know what I'm doing, or is that a way of giving myself false security, reassurement. If I did know what I'm doing, why did I choose this path? I can convince myself that it's worth it. That the goods are far better than the bads. But when the bads hit, gosh is it bad. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this will make me appreciate things more. But I'm glad, I guess. This is an experience. Something I will never put myself in again (I hope, I really do) and I can maybe say, when Im 80, that I have tried and experienced many things in life. Ha, sounds like I'm on drugs atm..

I wouldn't be surprised if I was told I have sadistic parts in me. In fact, that would explain a lot. I need to see a shrink. I don't want someone to tell me what's right and what's wrong, and tell me that I'm making a universally big mistake. (heh I have friends for that!) I just want someone to tell me why I'm like this, what I gain satisfaction in, and maybe help me find comfort in other, more painless methods. But I can't afford it, heh never felt so tight on money before! Growing up sucks. Hehe

But I can keep doing this, I know I'll hold up, I'll keep doing this until new years day, and I promise, I will stop. It has to end, and new year, new beginning! Please make sure I take that up! Until then, I guess I'll keep injecting myself with this new drug I've found. Makes me feel awesome while im on it, but fuck all without. I kinda like it, its kinda good. Worth it.