Resolutions?

The new year is approaching so I guess it's time to pick myself back up! No more stupid decisions in the new year! We'll kick it off with a trip! The trip I've promised peony for what.. 8 years now? Haha we're finally going to hong kong together! Add in Taiwan and Korea and we've got 2 little happy fat girls! It's going to be so much fun, can't wait! Then when I get back, I've got cousins from overseas visiting! That's going to be super awesome too! Haven't seen one of them in.. 7 years I think? I just love it when my fam bam get together, everyone gets so silly!

Then we've got uni and work starting... Uni has to be an improvement.. If I want to get my honours, I really have to step it up and prove myself.. Which means less work for me! Which would be difficult. I need money. Speaking of which, also considering getting a new job.. The crappy organization of the hotel is getting to me, and if it becomes an unenjoyable place to work, I'll probably find somewhere else.. I think I've got the experience for most other places now..

So that looks like it will keep me busy! Hopefully take my mind off things too. Next year for me, I want to be career focussed. Hopefully find out what I want to do with my life, and work towards getting there. My degree is finishing soon, and I still feel hopeless. Next year will change. More direction. I'll get there :)

Tiffany

Tiffany is sad.
Tiffany is sad because of many reasons. She is quite poor, and haven't had the spare money to splurge on herself like she always used to. No new clothes can be quite damaging to Tiffany. Tiffany is also sad because she is having a hard time at work. Many of her friends are quoting and she is left on lonely shifts with managers which make her work like even more miserable. Tiffany is sad because she feels kind of lonely, and kind of trapped.

Tiffany is worried.
Tiffany is worried of her uni results. If her marks aren't superb, she will get kicked out her course, leaving her in an even more worry-worthy position. Tiffany is also worried that she is running low on money. She needs money for her hong kong trip and isn't saving as well as she was before. Because of this reason, she cannot quit work and she needs the money, making her even more sad (refer to previous paragraph). Tiffany is actually most worried because she feels quite vulnerable. She misses she feeling of being in a relationship and is worried that she will rush herself into one purely because she needs to have someone. Tiffany never new being single meant being lonely. She thought flirting will be fun. Turns out, it's overrated, and being in a relationship actually feels better. Tiffany is worried these thought will lead to impulsive behavior.

Tiffany is happy.
She can walk, can talk, has food on her table, and is quite healthy too! She has great boobies which spend lots of time with her andtake her out to eat noodles in times of need. Tiffany is happy to have a caring And supportive family who loves her unconditionally. Tiffany is grateful for having the opportunity to experience and learn and grow and mature. Tiffany is cool, and will be alright.

Remarks.

What are you doing Tiffany. What are u doing. Sometimes I am torn within myself. Do I really know what I'm doing, or is that a way of giving myself false security, reassurement. If I did know what I'm doing, why did I choose this path? I can convince myself that it's worth it. That the goods are far better than the bads. But when the bads hit, gosh is it bad. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this will make me appreciate things more. But I'm glad, I guess. This is an experience. Something I will never put myself in again (I hope, I really do) and I can maybe say, when Im 80, that I have tried and experienced many things in life. Ha, sounds like I'm on drugs atm..

I wouldn't be surprised if I was told I have sadistic parts in me. In fact, that would explain a lot. I need to see a shrink. I don't want someone to tell me what's right and what's wrong, and tell me that I'm making a universally big mistake. (heh I have friends for that!) I just want someone to tell me why I'm like this, what I gain satisfaction in, and maybe help me find comfort in other, more painless methods. But I can't afford it, heh never felt so tight on money before! Growing up sucks. Hehe

But I can keep doing this, I know I'll hold up, I'll keep doing this until new years day, and I promise, I will stop. It has to end, and new year, new beginning! Please make sure I take that up! Until then, I guess I'll keep injecting myself with this new drug I've found. Makes me feel awesome while im on it, but fuck all without. I kinda like it, its kinda good. Worth it.

well...

i lie in bed. tv's on. and I'm trying to do an essay.

i wonder if i have grown. i haven't been through many boys, had many relationships, but i feel like i've a lot after each one. or maybe its just me being immature and silly, thinking I'm all grown up now. i feel like if ever, i'm currently in a position to understand myself. no one understands me. no one knows why I'm doing what I'm doing, or how much pain i've sadly accepted. but i know, i swear i do. i've put myself in this, messy as position, i know i have gotten myself into this, but i'm ok with it. i will accept the consequences to my actions. maybe i just feel a little lonely.

i wish i could stop thinking so much and find closure. closure in everything in my life. cannot deal with so many problems. i wanna escape. pronto.

I think I'm sad. I think I'm really sad.

Damn.

I've always wanted to be the strong one. The macho one. The strong willed determined hard core one. Ive always thought I was able to put myself through anything. Come out victorious in any situation. I genuinely thought I would be able to go through all types of pain and loneliness with minimal damage. I thought i had a heart of rock, modern day independent superwoman.

I don't. I'm not. Damn. What now?

generals

Well, where do i start! So much has changed since my last post, and to be honest, I really thought I was over this whole blogging thing, but then i was told by a sweetheart that she still reads it, so i thought i'd dedicate this one to you <3

so.. i dated, had an awesome time, fell in love (at least i think) fell out, got hurt, broke up. Last 6 months in a nutshell. It's quite saddening to know that it's all over... at one point, i was so sure that it was going to be us for the rest of our lives.. but i'm a joke. 20 years young, and doesn't know a thing. it's alright, i'm sure there will be many more surprises to come.

so since breaking up.. i haven't really had time to mourn yet.. i've been quite busy with work.. and rushing assignments.. catching up with family and friends.. it's all good. maybe i can avoid this mourning stage altogether! i do hope he's ok though, he is much more weaker than me, and does have less support... so i hope he's well. having to say that, i am actually still too angry to show any care. i think anger is a good way to end relationships. it really does end things clear cut. the way i want.

so from now on, what will i do? take it easy.. take it real easy.. stay away from relationships for a while.. and also a new promise i will make myself.. only date older men. young men are immature.

that's all for now.. but i do hope to come back soon. =)