Ponder.

As I ponder alone in a cafe about life, I decided to ask myself a question. What do I want to gain in my life? Obviously success is on top of the list, which includes career wise, satisfaction wise and emotional wise. That's my idea of what it'll be awesome to be in 10 years time, but I seem to be doing so little in the present to reach my goal. Ive been putting minimal effort in uni, enough to just pass (literally), I can't seem to be able to save any money, even when I earn 500+ a wk, let alone now when I've just quitted my job, and well in terms of relationships, I'm hopeless! I'm trying to trace my fall, where it all went wrong. I'm sure as an innocent kid I didn't plan to be as promiscuous as I am now. When did this all start? I think it actually goes back to my first real relationship, 'love' in yr 12. Looking back, I really think I had it all. A great guy, wonderful friends, a sport! (which I also think adds to my identical crisis since I've been banned from doing any after multiple operations). But I stuffed it up for myself. I let him down, I dissapointed my friends, but I think worst of all, I had let myself down. I'd shown myself I wasn't the sweet girl I thought I was, wanted to be. And since then, I stopped trying to be the person I want to be. I think that's why recently, I've felt like I needed closure from the past. I find comfort in looking at the past, cos my life was what I'd liked it to be. And now, it just seems too hard to go back. I've ventured too far off track, now, I'm not really sure where I am.

change

i have been quite sad recently, not happy, cheerful. a few reasons, main one is cos im losing one of my greatest friends. He's leaving aus, for good, meaning there is a chance im never gonna see him again. He has been a massive part of my life recently, he cares about me in an unimaginable amount, and we just click so well. I see him almost every day.. i don't even know what i'll be doing in my spare time now! Its true- i break into tears just thinking of him leaving my life. It's just such an awful thought. Imagine your best friend, bestest bestest friend. Then imagine them going abroad for good out of their own will. it's so unfair.

there are a few good points.. he has to move on with his life. His future was never meant to be un Aus. I wish him all the success in every aspect. I believe he has the talent to do so.

To make this situation worse, after he's gone, I really have very few people left in my life. I hate wallowing in self pity, but truth is, im just gonna go straight home from uni everyday and stay there, maybe occasionally go out.. wow this sucks.

but it's alright. when you reach the bottom, it can only go uphill from there :). i hope this is the bottom.

.

hello there :)

on a less serious note..

so much has happened since the last post, and lazy me have not been bothered blogging about it, but i wanna talk about something else today.

People seem to find SEX a very taboo topic. Maybe not everyone, but the people i hang around, my family, i think its quite a normal topic, nothing to be embarrassed about! I'll be 20 in around hald a year, and i think theres nothing wrong with having a casual chat about sex.

So for me, i havent been sexually active for all that long. I first had sex with my ex, and i have to say, im glad he was the one. to this day, i still think he's an amazing, caring, sometimes not understood kind of guy. Im really thankful to have been in his life, and glad to have shared all i have with him.

im not gonna write about all my sexual experiences, but what i though was funny, is that it's been a while since i've had sex. and as much as some girls dont like to admit it, i do kinda miss it, and kinda want it sometimes. i guess like guys, girls too are hormonal, get aroused, and horny. Is it something to get embarrassed about? i dont think so, i just dont openly share this to everyone because i dont think people want to know haha!

sex to me is a means of showing affection. people have told me that it allows them to be the closest to the one they care and love. at first i thought it was all lies and sweet talk, but now i can see that sex isnt all about orgasms and feeling aroused. being able to remove the horniness aspect and attatch emotion into it, i think is very plaudable.

so even though its been a while for me, im not one to find someone random for a pleasure fuck. as horny as i am, im proud to still be able to only want to share it with someone i care about.

cheers! ;)

it's alright guys, im still alive

so i dont know why i stopped blogging, its not like theres nothing to blog about.. quite alot has happened.. i've had the intention to write about it.. just was lazy.. it doesnt even require a lot of effort does it?

ok so since the last blog, i've decided to go to malay, came back, spent christmas and new years. malay was.. insightful.. i've discovered things i didnt know before, and felt emotions i have also never felt. to put it straight, i defied my blog promise and kinda got back with K in malay.. i told him.. on the first night we chatted, that i had someone back in aus.. we're not dating.. but i know he's waiting for me.. nonetheless, we were both confused, acted on more emotion and logic and took the chance. it caused trouble.. tested friendships (failing some) but lesson learnt anyway. on a different note, in malaysia, i felt very distant from val (and i know you will read this someday). i didnt blame her.. i was being undecisive and stuff.. and she probably had more fun with more problemfree people.. but i was sad.. that she wasnt around when i needed her.. but thats alright val, this year things will be different =) i hope you arent angry with me actually..

so anyway, since coming back to aus.. i still think about K.. alot.. we've talked abit too.. and discussed our feelings.. its mutual =) arent we both glad that we decided to be reckless.. haha

here are some of my fave malay shots =)

but yea i havent forgotten, Mr R is here, and ive told him everything.. explained the situation..he's really devastated.. and really is persistent, but he's slowly getting it.. which is good..

christmas was uneventful, so lets talk about NYE! guess what.. i worked! omgsh yes like what was i thinking! but i guess money-driven me agreed to the triple pay.. haha but it was alright, we had a party after the function finished.. manager- "as i promised guys, go to the bar and grab whatever drink you want" haha it was hektik! everyone was going for JD and jim bean, red label.. it was really festive =D we just drank and hung out at work till the next morning, all safe, and really quite cheerful!!




havent got much planned for the rest of the holidays.. work until my operation day.. in which i will be forced to the wheelchair until around uni i guess.. oh and waiting for the 26th.. which seems to be taking the longest time ever!

On the train home from work...

Those that know me would generally agree that I'm usually quite an upbeat bubbly person.. I like to think I am, it's what I want to be. but now I'm lost, confused. Lost, because I don't know where I'm heading, I have lost my direction. I haven't been hanging put with my friends and I'm so unsure about my future withthem. I don't want to lose my friends, they mean a lot to me and I need them. With some, I know they'll always be here. With others, it's so rusty. Almost like they don't notice my lack of presence, it doesn't mean anything to them that I'm gone. When they go out, and I see photos, I really do feel so left out. I thought I was part of that group. What's to happen in the future? I've been hanging out with work mates, only cos I work 7 days a week anyways. R has been here for me a lot. I feel like he really understands me, supportive, no matter what I do. So I spend lots of time with him, cos I feel like my presence matters to him. Where's my life heading?

Confused, cos of obvious reasons. I'll admit, despite how much I'll be hated for it, I am falling for R. He cares for me so much. And at times like this, it means so much to me. I'm really touched, when I'm with him, I feel like I know what I'm doing, my future isn't a blurr. But I'm not always with him, and when I'm not, reality hits. I have noone, my uni friends are pretty much gone and seeing photos of K.. That's the confusing part. How is he doing? Has he moved on? Is he happy? If my lack of presence is beneficial to him, then I'm happy with that.

What should I do with R? I can see a future with him.. but I don't know if it's time to move On yet.. I don't do rebounds..

Malaysia trip.. So soon yet so unsure.. As it gets closer, I get more doubtful of whether I should go.. I originally wanted to go cos a holiday with friends sounded so amazing.. But it's different now isn't it.. Am I a friend? Or will I be seen as using them? I don't want that. Not much of a holiday if everyone doubts my intentions. I feel so stranger to them, how did it get this way? More importantly, what do I do from here?

fecks fecks fecks

so i saw the knee man today, cos my knee has been feeling a little weird and collapsing.. a bit of a worry since it's supposed to be all perfect after my ACL reconstruction last year. i got the worst possible news today.

looks like tiffany will be needing another operation. yea.. apparently my ligament is stretched if not torn.. in which i need to get it replaced anyway.. unless i plan to not exercise for the rest of my life. yea.. no.

its just so frustrating.. why cant my knee just listen to me.. i can still remember the pain post operation... really dont want to go through that again.

such is life.