well...

i lie in bed. tv's on. and I'm trying to do an essay.

i wonder if i have grown. i haven't been through many boys, had many relationships, but i feel like i've a lot after each one. or maybe its just me being immature and silly, thinking I'm all grown up now. i feel like if ever, i'm currently in a position to understand myself. no one understands me. no one knows why I'm doing what I'm doing, or how much pain i've sadly accepted. but i know, i swear i do. i've put myself in this, messy as position, i know i have gotten myself into this, but i'm ok with it. i will accept the consequences to my actions. maybe i just feel a little lonely.

i wish i could stop thinking so much and find closure. closure in everything in my life. cannot deal with so many problems. i wanna escape. pronto.

I think I'm sad. I think I'm really sad.

Damn.

I've always wanted to be the strong one. The macho one. The strong willed determined hard core one. Ive always thought I was able to put myself through anything. Come out victorious in any situation. I genuinely thought I would be able to go through all types of pain and loneliness with minimal damage. I thought i had a heart of rock, modern day independent superwoman.

I don't. I'm not. Damn. What now?

generals

Well, where do i start! So much has changed since my last post, and to be honest, I really thought I was over this whole blogging thing, but then i was told by a sweetheart that she still reads it, so i thought i'd dedicate this one to you <3

so.. i dated, had an awesome time, fell in love (at least i think) fell out, got hurt, broke up. Last 6 months in a nutshell. It's quite saddening to know that it's all over... at one point, i was so sure that it was going to be us for the rest of our lives.. but i'm a joke. 20 years young, and doesn't know a thing. it's alright, i'm sure there will be many more surprises to come.

so since breaking up.. i haven't really had time to mourn yet.. i've been quite busy with work.. and rushing assignments.. catching up with family and friends.. it's all good. maybe i can avoid this mourning stage altogether! i do hope he's ok though, he is much more weaker than me, and does have less support... so i hope he's well. having to say that, i am actually still too angry to show any care. i think anger is a good way to end relationships. it really does end things clear cut. the way i want.

so from now on, what will i do? take it easy.. take it real easy.. stay away from relationships for a while.. and also a new promise i will make myself.. only date older men. young men are immature.

that's all for now.. but i do hope to come back soon. =)

perspective

I really do think life is about perspective. One day you may wake up feeling angry and cranky, the next, even your mum's poop doesnt smell too bad. Although for me, the latter is never possible, i do believe that everything is all about perspective; how you react to situations is a consequence of how you interpret them. Maybe it's because i've been in a brighter mood latelty, but perspective doesnt seem to be too hard afterall!

i remember about a week ago, i had a little cry to my friend and complained that i felt like my life is in a transition from one stage to another. i felt like i had no direction, no meaning and no motivation to try. sometimes little things give your the little push you need. i do feel like i've successfully moved to a new stage in life. i feel content with who i am and what i have again, which motivates me to get back in the game. 8)

on a different note, since i've quitted my last job, ive been looking for a new one for a while, and finally found a possible! im having a 'trial shift' at a club  at the cross on Thursday and hope it will all work out well! i dont want much, all im asking for is no seedy workers, no seedy customers, friendly ambience and REALLY GOOD PAY!! i've decided to not set standards too high and compromise for a min. $17/hr. more will be appreciated.

float, floating is good.

Ponder.

As I ponder alone in a cafe about life, I decided to ask myself a question. What do I want to gain in my life? Obviously success is on top of the list, which includes career wise, satisfaction wise and emotional wise. That's my idea of what it'll be awesome to be in 10 years time, but I seem to be doing so little in the present to reach my goal. Ive been putting minimal effort in uni, enough to just pass (literally), I can't seem to be able to save any money, even when I earn 500+ a wk, let alone now when I've just quitted my job, and well in terms of relationships, I'm hopeless! I'm trying to trace my fall, where it all went wrong. I'm sure as an innocent kid I didn't plan to be as promiscuous as I am now. When did this all start? I think it actually goes back to my first real relationship, 'love' in yr 12. Looking back, I really think I had it all. A great guy, wonderful friends, a sport! (which I also think adds to my identical crisis since I've been banned from doing any after multiple operations). But I stuffed it up for myself. I let him down, I dissapointed my friends, but I think worst of all, I had let myself down. I'd shown myself I wasn't the sweet girl I thought I was, wanted to be. And since then, I stopped trying to be the person I want to be. I think that's why recently, I've felt like I needed closure from the past. I find comfort in looking at the past, cos my life was what I'd liked it to be. And now, it just seems too hard to go back. I've ventured too far off track, now, I'm not really sure where I am.

change

i have been quite sad recently, not happy, cheerful. a few reasons, main one is cos im losing one of my greatest friends. He's leaving aus, for good, meaning there is a chance im never gonna see him again. He has been a massive part of my life recently, he cares about me in an unimaginable amount, and we just click so well. I see him almost every day.. i don't even know what i'll be doing in my spare time now! Its true- i break into tears just thinking of him leaving my life. It's just such an awful thought. Imagine your best friend, bestest bestest friend. Then imagine them going abroad for good out of their own will. it's so unfair.

there are a few good points.. he has to move on with his life. His future was never meant to be un Aus. I wish him all the success in every aspect. I believe he has the talent to do so.

To make this situation worse, after he's gone, I really have very few people left in my life. I hate wallowing in self pity, but truth is, im just gonna go straight home from uni everyday and stay there, maybe occasionally go out.. wow this sucks.

but it's alright. when you reach the bottom, it can only go uphill from there :). i hope this is the bottom.