On the train home from work...

Those that know me would generally agree that I'm usually quite an upbeat bubbly person.. I like to think I am, it's what I want to be. but now I'm lost, confused. Lost, because I don't know where I'm heading, I have lost my direction. I haven't been hanging put with my friends and I'm so unsure about my future withthem. I don't want to lose my friends, they mean a lot to me and I need them. With some, I know they'll always be here. With others, it's so rusty. Almost like they don't notice my lack of presence, it doesn't mean anything to them that I'm gone. When they go out, and I see photos, I really do feel so left out. I thought I was part of that group. What's to happen in the future? I've been hanging out with work mates, only cos I work 7 days a week anyways. R has been here for me a lot. I feel like he really understands me, supportive, no matter what I do. So I spend lots of time with him, cos I feel like my presence matters to him. Where's my life heading?

Confused, cos of obvious reasons. I'll admit, despite how much I'll be hated for it, I am falling for R. He cares for me so much. And at times like this, it means so much to me. I'm really touched, when I'm with him, I feel like I know what I'm doing, my future isn't a blurr. But I'm not always with him, and when I'm not, reality hits. I have noone, my uni friends are pretty much gone and seeing photos of K.. That's the confusing part. How is he doing? Has he moved on? Is he happy? If my lack of presence is beneficial to him, then I'm happy with that.

What should I do with R? I can see a future with him.. but I don't know if it's time to move On yet.. I don't do rebounds..

Malaysia trip.. So soon yet so unsure.. As it gets closer, I get more doubtful of whether I should go.. I originally wanted to go cos a holiday with friends sounded so amazing.. But it's different now isn't it.. Am I a friend? Or will I be seen as using them? I don't want that. Not much of a holiday if everyone doubts my intentions. I feel so stranger to them, how did it get this way? More importantly, what do I do from here?

fecks fecks fecks

so i saw the knee man today, cos my knee has been feeling a little weird and collapsing.. a bit of a worry since it's supposed to be all perfect after my ACL reconstruction last year. i got the worst possible news today.

looks like tiffany will be needing another operation. yea.. apparently my ligament is stretched if not torn.. in which i need to get it replaced anyway.. unless i plan to not exercise for the rest of my life. yea.. no.

its just so frustrating.. why cant my knee just listen to me.. i can still remember the pain post operation... really dont want to go through that again.

such is life.

officials.

so two things have become official within the last few days.

1. i guess im gonna go malaysia.its been such a hard choice.. with so many factors to consider.. the least important one is that i've pretty much drained out the money i've saved for it cos i thought i wouldnt be going.. so i pretty much have less than a month to save a grand.. i also know some friends who most probs have issues with me going.. i'd like to think i dont care what others think.. but no.. i do in fact care. i dont want to make myself look cheap.. like i hang around for a trip.. i really do wanna spend time with friends. i mean yes, msia has been at the top of my to-go list.. but the main reason would be the mates.. chilling with friends for 3 weeks sounds totes awesome!

i guess things will be different now.. friends probs dont care about me as much.. why do people feel the need to take sides? a relationship is between two people.. if we're cool with the breakup, who is everyone else to judge all this? nonetheless.. i really hope to build things up with everyone.. good mates need extra attention..WELL the main problem with msia.. 3 weeks with the ex will probably weird... awkward at first.. my attack strategy will be frends. hold back all urges andgo with friends.. which actually lead me to the second official..


2. its over. its overitsover. thats the last word. no more lingering, im ready to put it behind me. nothing is going to happen in msia, i swear. i know, even i foresee something happening, but as long as i can help it, friends is the way to go. getting back together will only make things harder, even more complicated. and there is no way, with whats going on in my head, that its possible to get back with him sans problems. so thats the end of that. please.


officiality, i admit isnt my specialty..i often say one thing, but end up giving in to do otherwise. but please, upper power (prferably buddha), help me out here. give me some strength to hold on to my words and do the right thing. merci beaucoup.

mushrooms.

i oa alot and within the past few seconds, i started becoming concerned that those who randomly stumble upon this will be bored by my first post. so maybe ill actually blog here.

so my life.. my life... yea.. im in a bit of a pickle at the momment. i guess all the thinking is what prompted me to start a blog. i'm confused.. i want to move on. get over it. but its hard isnt it? he was a nice guy.. just right for me.. but sometimes that's just not enough.. and i hope that could be the final word. but no, tiffany likes to think and be sad, and think some more and make unnecessary jokes, which leads me back to the question of if i really should move on.. which i really want the answer to be yes...

fuck im pathetic. life is so much more than just relationships. and i promise, there is much more to me than just self pity =) i bought a new camera! nikkon d3000, its fun to play with and i hope to develop this interest. i'll upload some photos someday..  this can be like a photo diary! oh how fun!

i have a good life. a great one. be happy you ungrateful knob.

hello stranger

i think too much.
thoughts arent used to their maximum if they arent organised.
my brain is too messy for a filing system.
thus a blog is born.

i can also be narcisstic here and talk about my life. that always pleases me =)

im still pondering if i should keep this to myself, few friends or just anyone. i really want to open up here, but i know some people wont like what i'll have to say.
meh i'll think about it.