Resolutions?

The new year is approaching so I guess it's time to pick myself back up! No more stupid decisions in the new year! We'll kick it off with a trip! The trip I've promised peony for what.. 8 years now? Haha we're finally going to hong kong together! Add in Taiwan and Korea and we've got 2 little happy fat girls! It's going to be so much fun, can't wait! Then when I get back, I've got cousins from overseas visiting! That's going to be super awesome too! Haven't seen one of them in.. 7 years I think? I just love it when my fam bam get together, everyone gets so silly!

Then we've got uni and work starting... Uni has to be an improvement.. If I want to get my honours, I really have to step it up and prove myself.. Which means less work for me! Which would be difficult. I need money. Speaking of which, also considering getting a new job.. The crappy organization of the hotel is getting to me, and if it becomes an unenjoyable place to work, I'll probably find somewhere else.. I think I've got the experience for most other places now..

So that looks like it will keep me busy! Hopefully take my mind off things too. Next year for me, I want to be career focussed. Hopefully find out what I want to do with my life, and work towards getting there. My degree is finishing soon, and I still feel hopeless. Next year will change. More direction. I'll get there :)

Tiffany

Tiffany is sad.
Tiffany is sad because of many reasons. She is quite poor, and haven't had the spare money to splurge on herself like she always used to. No new clothes can be quite damaging to Tiffany. Tiffany is also sad because she is having a hard time at work. Many of her friends are quoting and she is left on lonely shifts with managers which make her work like even more miserable. Tiffany is sad because she feels kind of lonely, and kind of trapped.

Tiffany is worried.
Tiffany is worried of her uni results. If her marks aren't superb, she will get kicked out her course, leaving her in an even more worry-worthy position. Tiffany is also worried that she is running low on money. She needs money for her hong kong trip and isn't saving as well as she was before. Because of this reason, she cannot quit work and she needs the money, making her even more sad (refer to previous paragraph). Tiffany is actually most worried because she feels quite vulnerable. She misses she feeling of being in a relationship and is worried that she will rush herself into one purely because she needs to have someone. Tiffany never new being single meant being lonely. She thought flirting will be fun. Turns out, it's overrated, and being in a relationship actually feels better. Tiffany is worried these thought will lead to impulsive behavior.

Tiffany is happy.
She can walk, can talk, has food on her table, and is quite healthy too! She has great boobies which spend lots of time with her andtake her out to eat noodles in times of need. Tiffany is happy to have a caring And supportive family who loves her unconditionally. Tiffany is grateful for having the opportunity to experience and learn and grow and mature. Tiffany is cool, and will be alright.

Remarks.

What are you doing Tiffany. What are u doing. Sometimes I am torn within myself. Do I really know what I'm doing, or is that a way of giving myself false security, reassurement. If I did know what I'm doing, why did I choose this path? I can convince myself that it's worth it. That the goods are far better than the bads. But when the bads hit, gosh is it bad. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this will make me appreciate things more. But I'm glad, I guess. This is an experience. Something I will never put myself in again (I hope, I really do) and I can maybe say, when Im 80, that I have tried and experienced many things in life. Ha, sounds like I'm on drugs atm..

I wouldn't be surprised if I was told I have sadistic parts in me. In fact, that would explain a lot. I need to see a shrink. I don't want someone to tell me what's right and what's wrong, and tell me that I'm making a universally big mistake. (heh I have friends for that!) I just want someone to tell me why I'm like this, what I gain satisfaction in, and maybe help me find comfort in other, more painless methods. But I can't afford it, heh never felt so tight on money before! Growing up sucks. Hehe

But I can keep doing this, I know I'll hold up, I'll keep doing this until new years day, and I promise, I will stop. It has to end, and new year, new beginning! Please make sure I take that up! Until then, I guess I'll keep injecting myself with this new drug I've found. Makes me feel awesome while im on it, but fuck all without. I kinda like it, its kinda good. Worth it.

well...

i lie in bed. tv's on. and I'm trying to do an essay.

i wonder if i have grown. i haven't been through many boys, had many relationships, but i feel like i've a lot after each one. or maybe its just me being immature and silly, thinking I'm all grown up now. i feel like if ever, i'm currently in a position to understand myself. no one understands me. no one knows why I'm doing what I'm doing, or how much pain i've sadly accepted. but i know, i swear i do. i've put myself in this, messy as position, i know i have gotten myself into this, but i'm ok with it. i will accept the consequences to my actions. maybe i just feel a little lonely.

i wish i could stop thinking so much and find closure. closure in everything in my life. cannot deal with so many problems. i wanna escape. pronto.

I think I'm sad. I think I'm really sad.

Damn.

I've always wanted to be the strong one. The macho one. The strong willed determined hard core one. Ive always thought I was able to put myself through anything. Come out victorious in any situation. I genuinely thought I would be able to go through all types of pain and loneliness with minimal damage. I thought i had a heart of rock, modern day independent superwoman.

I don't. I'm not. Damn. What now?

generals

Well, where do i start! So much has changed since my last post, and to be honest, I really thought I was over this whole blogging thing, but then i was told by a sweetheart that she still reads it, so i thought i'd dedicate this one to you <3

so.. i dated, had an awesome time, fell in love (at least i think) fell out, got hurt, broke up. Last 6 months in a nutshell. It's quite saddening to know that it's all over... at one point, i was so sure that it was going to be us for the rest of our lives.. but i'm a joke. 20 years young, and doesn't know a thing. it's alright, i'm sure there will be many more surprises to come.

so since breaking up.. i haven't really had time to mourn yet.. i've been quite busy with work.. and rushing assignments.. catching up with family and friends.. it's all good. maybe i can avoid this mourning stage altogether! i do hope he's ok though, he is much more weaker than me, and does have less support... so i hope he's well. having to say that, i am actually still too angry to show any care. i think anger is a good way to end relationships. it really does end things clear cut. the way i want.

so from now on, what will i do? take it easy.. take it real easy.. stay away from relationships for a while.. and also a new promise i will make myself.. only date older men. young men are immature.

that's all for now.. but i do hope to come back soon. =)

perspective

I really do think life is about perspective. One day you may wake up feeling angry and cranky, the next, even your mum's poop doesnt smell too bad. Although for me, the latter is never possible, i do believe that everything is all about perspective; how you react to situations is a consequence of how you interpret them. Maybe it's because i've been in a brighter mood latelty, but perspective doesnt seem to be too hard afterall!

i remember about a week ago, i had a little cry to my friend and complained that i felt like my life is in a transition from one stage to another. i felt like i had no direction, no meaning and no motivation to try. sometimes little things give your the little push you need. i do feel like i've successfully moved to a new stage in life. i feel content with who i am and what i have again, which motivates me to get back in the game. 8)

on a different note, since i've quitted my last job, ive been looking for a new one for a while, and finally found a possible! im having a 'trial shift' at a club  at the cross on Thursday and hope it will all work out well! i dont want much, all im asking for is no seedy workers, no seedy customers, friendly ambience and REALLY GOOD PAY!! i've decided to not set standards too high and compromise for a min. $17/hr. more will be appreciated.

float, floating is good.

Ponder.

As I ponder alone in a cafe about life, I decided to ask myself a question. What do I want to gain in my life? Obviously success is on top of the list, which includes career wise, satisfaction wise and emotional wise. That's my idea of what it'll be awesome to be in 10 years time, but I seem to be doing so little in the present to reach my goal. Ive been putting minimal effort in uni, enough to just pass (literally), I can't seem to be able to save any money, even when I earn 500+ a wk, let alone now when I've just quitted my job, and well in terms of relationships, I'm hopeless! I'm trying to trace my fall, where it all went wrong. I'm sure as an innocent kid I didn't plan to be as promiscuous as I am now. When did this all start? I think it actually goes back to my first real relationship, 'love' in yr 12. Looking back, I really think I had it all. A great guy, wonderful friends, a sport! (which I also think adds to my identical crisis since I've been banned from doing any after multiple operations). But I stuffed it up for myself. I let him down, I dissapointed my friends, but I think worst of all, I had let myself down. I'd shown myself I wasn't the sweet girl I thought I was, wanted to be. And since then, I stopped trying to be the person I want to be. I think that's why recently, I've felt like I needed closure from the past. I find comfort in looking at the past, cos my life was what I'd liked it to be. And now, it just seems too hard to go back. I've ventured too far off track, now, I'm not really sure where I am.

change

i have been quite sad recently, not happy, cheerful. a few reasons, main one is cos im losing one of my greatest friends. He's leaving aus, for good, meaning there is a chance im never gonna see him again. He has been a massive part of my life recently, he cares about me in an unimaginable amount, and we just click so well. I see him almost every day.. i don't even know what i'll be doing in my spare time now! Its true- i break into tears just thinking of him leaving my life. It's just such an awful thought. Imagine your best friend, bestest bestest friend. Then imagine them going abroad for good out of their own will. it's so unfair.

there are a few good points.. he has to move on with his life. His future was never meant to be un Aus. I wish him all the success in every aspect. I believe he has the talent to do so.

To make this situation worse, after he's gone, I really have very few people left in my life. I hate wallowing in self pity, but truth is, im just gonna go straight home from uni everyday and stay there, maybe occasionally go out.. wow this sucks.

but it's alright. when you reach the bottom, it can only go uphill from there :). i hope this is the bottom.

.

hello there :)

on a less serious note..

so much has happened since the last post, and lazy me have not been bothered blogging about it, but i wanna talk about something else today.

People seem to find SEX a very taboo topic. Maybe not everyone, but the people i hang around, my family, i think its quite a normal topic, nothing to be embarrassed about! I'll be 20 in around hald a year, and i think theres nothing wrong with having a casual chat about sex.

So for me, i havent been sexually active for all that long. I first had sex with my ex, and i have to say, im glad he was the one. to this day, i still think he's an amazing, caring, sometimes not understood kind of guy. Im really thankful to have been in his life, and glad to have shared all i have with him.

im not gonna write about all my sexual experiences, but what i though was funny, is that it's been a while since i've had sex. and as much as some girls dont like to admit it, i do kinda miss it, and kinda want it sometimes. i guess like guys, girls too are hormonal, get aroused, and horny. Is it something to get embarrassed about? i dont think so, i just dont openly share this to everyone because i dont think people want to know haha!

sex to me is a means of showing affection. people have told me that it allows them to be the closest to the one they care and love. at first i thought it was all lies and sweet talk, but now i can see that sex isnt all about orgasms and feeling aroused. being able to remove the horniness aspect and attatch emotion into it, i think is very plaudable.

so even though its been a while for me, im not one to find someone random for a pleasure fuck. as horny as i am, im proud to still be able to only want to share it with someone i care about.

cheers! ;)

it's alright guys, im still alive

so i dont know why i stopped blogging, its not like theres nothing to blog about.. quite alot has happened.. i've had the intention to write about it.. just was lazy.. it doesnt even require a lot of effort does it?

ok so since the last blog, i've decided to go to malay, came back, spent christmas and new years. malay was.. insightful.. i've discovered things i didnt know before, and felt emotions i have also never felt. to put it straight, i defied my blog promise and kinda got back with K in malay.. i told him.. on the first night we chatted, that i had someone back in aus.. we're not dating.. but i know he's waiting for me.. nonetheless, we were both confused, acted on more emotion and logic and took the chance. it caused trouble.. tested friendships (failing some) but lesson learnt anyway. on a different note, in malaysia, i felt very distant from val (and i know you will read this someday). i didnt blame her.. i was being undecisive and stuff.. and she probably had more fun with more problemfree people.. but i was sad.. that she wasnt around when i needed her.. but thats alright val, this year things will be different =) i hope you arent angry with me actually..

so anyway, since coming back to aus.. i still think about K.. alot.. we've talked abit too.. and discussed our feelings.. its mutual =) arent we both glad that we decided to be reckless.. haha

here are some of my fave malay shots =)

but yea i havent forgotten, Mr R is here, and ive told him everything.. explained the situation..he's really devastated.. and really is persistent, but he's slowly getting it.. which is good..

christmas was uneventful, so lets talk about NYE! guess what.. i worked! omgsh yes like what was i thinking! but i guess money-driven me agreed to the triple pay.. haha but it was alright, we had a party after the function finished.. manager- "as i promised guys, go to the bar and grab whatever drink you want" haha it was hektik! everyone was going for JD and jim bean, red label.. it was really festive =D we just drank and hung out at work till the next morning, all safe, and really quite cheerful!!




havent got much planned for the rest of the holidays.. work until my operation day.. in which i will be forced to the wheelchair until around uni i guess.. oh and waiting for the 26th.. which seems to be taking the longest time ever!