end?

University is nearing end for me. In fact, in 25 mins i'll be walking into my last lecture of my bachelor degree. It is quite sad, considering there isn't much guaranteed for my post grad plans yet, so this could actually be the last of my academic life! (though i hope not)

Many people graduate from university with a bunch of friends, a hell lot of fun memories and knowledge gained too of course. I feel like all i have to take away is the knowledge. I haven't made one single friend i have kept, nor do i remember much of uni life these past three years. I spent the past two years at least trying all my hardest to not make any impressions. i wanted to do my classes and get out of here. That's worked me fine, i'm able to get good grades that way, and never have any distractions. I guess i'm fine with the way i decided to go through uni, but at the end.. well i don't have much to show for the past three years, except a piece of paper.

other than the social side, i really will miss studying. researching, reading, writing up papers, it's all really rubbed off on me. so much so, i'm considering being an academic some time in the future. getting paid to do research is my dream (particularly if its good pay!). however for now, i must consider what to do next year. applying for post grad is all so confronting.. i've been putting off the application because i'm way scared that i won't be accepted. What will i do then?

in fact, what do i do with life? these past three years, i've always been waiting for the epiphany that i will know what i want to do. while i have some sort of idea, i feel like i haven't gotten what i came here for yet. if i enter the real working world next year, well i can i'm definitely not feeling ready for that.

I'm only 21.. I'm not ready to embark of real life yet.. i want to continue hiding in this mushroom called university..

stability

Stability is an interesting thing. Some people enjoy having a routine, a boring pattern almost, which they follow everyday, in order to maintain some security and standard in their lives. Where as others (Travellers which work in hospitality, especially!) spend their lives avoiding anything stable, constantly moving around, gaining new experiences, finding new jobs. While i don't think I'm radically one or the other, i've managed to gain some extra stability in my life, and, for now at least, it feels very amazing.

i have never felt so in control, so secure, so comfortable in so long. knowing what you want to do, and working towards it, really shouldn't be taken for granted! What I'm trying to say, i think, is that my days of being a wild, free, reckless spirit are over. Maybe I'm ageing, (turning 21 after all! hah!) or maybe i've just lost my youth. Either way, this transition into a more mature (maybe more boring) me is very refreshing! maybe one day i'll get over it and want more excitement back in my life. perhaps that day i can be radical and make an irrational decision to travel the world! for now, i'll just concentrate on the future, maybe sit at home and knit a few scarves, spend time with those close by, drink tea with the boobies... AND VISIT HUNTER VALLEY NEXT MONTH, JUST COS I CAN!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!

life's great!

fresh

It feels so good, to start all over. The feeling of dropping your current problems and starting everything fresh. Moving to another country sounds like what I'm doing right, but no, not yet (for another 2 years i hope!) This time, just feels like a spiritual fresh start. Meeting someone new helps, but just the feeling of moving forward just really feels enlightening. Hopefully the next chapter of my life will consist of less 'learning opportunities' and more fun memories.

To the future!!
xo.

Ha!

So last night on the nightride home from work, I bumped into my friend/my first bf TC! I havent seen him in years! And as we chatted we realized we dated 8 years ago! Gosh that seems like ages! The more amusing part of our encounter was something else though, well maybe not amusing, more like enlightening.

He asked me how is my studies and career going, he remembers that I wanted to be a cop, then a psychologist. He recalls me being very much for the people, and wanted to have a career that allowed me to do so. I told him, yes I am still studying psychology, but Im more interested in research now, not so much clinical. He was absolutely shocked. 'what happened to you?' I then went on to tell him that I have no friends in uni, I hide in the library on my breaks, and hang out with my (2) high school friends. It was kind of funny to see his reaction, but also kind of sad. Maybe 8 years ago me had so much more going on than present me.

I don't know what I want to do yet, which is scary, with this year potentially being my last year, but I've stressed enough on that problem to just not want to think about it anymore.

Am I actually a disappointment though? Did I not become who I had wanted.. Apparently I was really sociable back then, what happened? Haha no i love my two boobies janseh, i dont need anyone else. Maybe year 8 tiff was just too ambitious. Had to much hope for life. I like to think im a realist. Im sceptical, but realistic. This is probably better, i think.