Ponder.

As I ponder alone in a cafe about life, I decided to ask myself a question. What do I want to gain in my life? Obviously success is on top of the list, which includes career wise, satisfaction wise and emotional wise. That's my idea of what it'll be awesome to be in 10 years time, but I seem to be doing so little in the present to reach my goal. Ive been putting minimal effort in uni, enough to just pass (literally), I can't seem to be able to save any money, even when I earn 500+ a wk, let alone now when I've just quitted my job, and well in terms of relationships, I'm hopeless! I'm trying to trace my fall, where it all went wrong. I'm sure as an innocent kid I didn't plan to be as promiscuous as I am now. When did this all start? I think it actually goes back to my first real relationship, 'love' in yr 12. Looking back, I really think I had it all. A great guy, wonderful friends, a sport! (which I also think adds to my identical crisis since I've been banned from doing any after multiple operations). But I stuffed it up for myself. I let him down, I dissapointed my friends, but I think worst of all, I had let myself down. I'd shown myself I wasn't the sweet girl I thought I was, wanted to be. And since then, I stopped trying to be the person I want to be. I think that's why recently, I've felt like I needed closure from the past. I find comfort in looking at the past, cos my life was what I'd liked it to be. And now, it just seems too hard to go back. I've ventured too far off track, now, I'm not really sure where I am.

change

i have been quite sad recently, not happy, cheerful. a few reasons, main one is cos im losing one of my greatest friends. He's leaving aus, for good, meaning there is a chance im never gonna see him again. He has been a massive part of my life recently, he cares about me in an unimaginable amount, and we just click so well. I see him almost every day.. i don't even know what i'll be doing in my spare time now! Its true- i break into tears just thinking of him leaving my life. It's just such an awful thought. Imagine your best friend, bestest bestest friend. Then imagine them going abroad for good out of their own will. it's so unfair.

there are a few good points.. he has to move on with his life. His future was never meant to be un Aus. I wish him all the success in every aspect. I believe he has the talent to do so.

To make this situation worse, after he's gone, I really have very few people left in my life. I hate wallowing in self pity, but truth is, im just gonna go straight home from uni everyday and stay there, maybe occasionally go out.. wow this sucks.

but it's alright. when you reach the bottom, it can only go uphill from there :). i hope this is the bottom.