Remarks.

What are you doing Tiffany. What are u doing. Sometimes I am torn within myself. Do I really know what I'm doing, or is that a way of giving myself false security, reassurement. If I did know what I'm doing, why did I choose this path? I can convince myself that it's worth it. That the goods are far better than the bads. But when the bads hit, gosh is it bad. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this will make me appreciate things more. But I'm glad, I guess. This is an experience. Something I will never put myself in again (I hope, I really do) and I can maybe say, when Im 80, that I have tried and experienced many things in life. Ha, sounds like I'm on drugs atm..

I wouldn't be surprised if I was told I have sadistic parts in me. In fact, that would explain a lot. I need to see a shrink. I don't want someone to tell me what's right and what's wrong, and tell me that I'm making a universally big mistake. (heh I have friends for that!) I just want someone to tell me why I'm like this, what I gain satisfaction in, and maybe help me find comfort in other, more painless methods. But I can't afford it, heh never felt so tight on money before! Growing up sucks. Hehe

But I can keep doing this, I know I'll hold up, I'll keep doing this until new years day, and I promise, I will stop. It has to end, and new year, new beginning! Please make sure I take that up! Until then, I guess I'll keep injecting myself with this new drug I've found. Makes me feel awesome while im on it, but fuck all without. I kinda like it, its kinda good. Worth it.